why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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