On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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