Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
