mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
