so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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