i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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