This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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