I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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