saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize