Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
