peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
