you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize