Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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