Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
