tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
