I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
