It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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