my room smells like sperm. sweet.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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