My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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