I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
