i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Randomize
