i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
