I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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