You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
