So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
