my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The air was thick with penises
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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