she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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