i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
