last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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