This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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