Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
