Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
