i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
