He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
