We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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