I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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