i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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