you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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