I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
