She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
