Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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