He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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