So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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