i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you will always have a special place in my vag
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
