I faked an abortion last night.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
