i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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