I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
