It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
