I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
