What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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