I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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