I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
