fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
