I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
