She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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