Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
