I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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