no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
