You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
