Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
