Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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