well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
